Introduction:
Is mom guilt a problem for you? Do you struggle with feeling inadequate as a mom? Do you ever look at moms around you and think, “What do they have that I don’t?”
Maybe there is a voice in the back of your head telling you that your kids deserve better. Or that your spouse deserves better.
You feel like you’re simply not enough.
While mom guilt may be the culprit of some really unhelpful thoughts and feelings, there are healthy ways to navigate mom guilt. As a therapist-turned-stay-at-home mom, I’m here to share tips on how to navigate mom guilt.
What is Mom Guilt?
If you’re a mom, I probably don’t need to explain the concept of mom guilt to you because you’ve likely experienced it first-hand.
But, in case you’re not familiar, mom guilt is when a mom experiences feelings of guilt and shame for not living up to her idea or society’s idea of an “ideal mom”.
This can present so many challenges to moms who experience it. Some moms get so overwhelmed by it that they check out mentally and emotionally.
Other moms spiral into putting too much on their plate to try to combat the shame of mom guilt. They think that if they can just do more, then those feelings will go away.
But it is usually too persistent for that – mom guilt doesn’t care how much you do or how well you love your kids, it tackles you even when you’re doing an amazing job as a mom.
Therapeutic Insights About Mom Guilt:
From a therapeutic perspective, the best defense against mom guilt starts with education and acknowledging it. After all, if you don’t know what’s causing you so much pain & distress, how can you find a solution?
First, take a minute to consider how mom guilt shows up for you.
When it guilt strike?
How does it impact your thoughts, feelings, and actions?
And how does it affect your relationships with your kids, partner, friends, and family?
Once you know the answers to these questions, you’ll be able to choose and implement the best tools possible for your unique situation.
Practical Tips for Navigating Mom Guilt:
1. Mindful Self-Reflections on Mom Guilt
Journal about your mom guilt. Reflect on the thoughts and feelings you experience. Write about specific instances of it so that you can start to identify any patterns or causes. Explore your underlying beliefs, fears, and judgments.
2. Identify and Implement Mindful Boundaries
As you experience mom guilt, take time to mindfully notice the source. Are you comparing yourself to certain mom influencers?
Or maybe you have a mom friend or relative who makes comments about what moms “should” be doing or what makes a good mom.
Maybe it’s your own ideas of what all a “good mom” should do. Or your spouse putting pressure on you to prefer a certain way as a mom.
Once you know some of the sources that amplify mom guilt in your life, figure out how you can set healthy boundaries.
Boundaries that can decrease the volume of mom guilt in your life might be:
Unfollowing mom influencers
Taking a break from social media
Asking loved ones kindly to stop comparing moms around you because of the pressure you feel.
Don’t allow yourself to dwell on comments from others that ramp up your feelings of mom guilt.
Set internal boundaries to “change the subject” in your own mind when you start comparing yourself to other moms.
3. Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself
If you feel pressure to perform an unrealistic number of tasks all while still having time to care for yourself, this could be contributing to your mom guilt.
When I first became a mom, I saw so many mom friends and influencers seemingly do so much more than me.
I saw these women have time to go to the gym, meal prep for the whole week, keep their homes spotless, and even maintain full-time jobs!
Meanwhile, I was relying on the help of our Roomba to help me clean each night. I was making meals sporadically while baby-wearing. I was lucky if I washed my hair twice a week.
I was chatting with one of my mom friends about how I admired her ability to keep her home so clean. That’s when I learned that she pays someone to clean her house and does not clean herself. She also uses a local chef who makes pre-made dinners for her family’s meals.
A week or so later, one of the influencers I follow mentioned dropping her daughter off at daycare – that was how she had time to meal prep, run errands, and get her nails done.
Another one of my friends actually has her mom over three days a week from 9 am to 4 pm to watch her little one and help with household chores while she works part time.
The entire time, I was setting expectations for myself based on other people’s circumstances, not mine.
The truth of my circumstances is that my husband travels anywhere from 8-15 days a month for work. We don’t have family in the area. And daycare isn’t currently an option for us. Neither is paying for a house cleaner or a local chef.
Yet I thought I was behind or failing somehow for not achieving what these other moms were. When, really, I needed to adjust my expectations for myself to fit my reality.
So take some time to consider your circumstances. If you work full time out of the home, it might not be realistic for you to make grand dinners each evening.
Of if you don’t have childcare options, you may not have the flexibility to run errands and go to appointments child-free.
And if you don’t have a housekeeper, your home may not be as clean as those influencers who have someone clean their entire house weekly.
4. Use Mindfulness to Stay Present
Mom guilt can stop moms in their tracks. It might show up and distract you from being present with your little one.
Instead of watching them practice taking their first steps, your mom guilt has brought you down a spiral of feeling guilty that your little one isn’t walking yet at 11 months like that mom on Instagram.
You might be distracted during mealtime with your little one because they will only eat berries and cheerios versus your friend’s baby who will eat any vegetable happily.
When you notice your mom guilt taking you far away mentally, reel yourself back in.
With compassion, bring yourself back to the present. Focus on being in-the-moment with your little one, at work, or enjoying your limited alone time. Bring your attention back to what you’re doing instead of everything you’re not doing.
5. Use Self-Compassion to Combat Mom Guilt
When mom guilt kicks in, how do you talk to yourself? How do you talk about yourself? What does your internal self-talk sound like?
If it’s not kind, practice being more gentle with yourself.
Next time you notice yourself making a self-deprecating joke about yourself, find something positive that you could say about yourself.
When you find yourself comparing yourself to other moms, pause and remind yourself of the things you do well.
If your internal self-talk is sounding especially negative, slow down and combat those thoughts with reminders of ways you are trying hard or doing your best.
Does self-compassion feel particularly hard for you? Then try to talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend or loved one.
6. Connect with Mom Friends
Talk to other moms about the pressures you feel. Chances are, they will relate.
Having others in your life who are going through the same experiences as you will help you feel less alone.
Often, your loved ones can be the biggest source of encouragement. They can help point out the things that you’re doing an amazing job with as a mom.
Conclusion:
Wherever you are in your motherhood journey, you don’t have to let mom guilt rule your experience. By using mindfulness, self-compassion, realistic expectations, and community support, you can combat the feelings and impacts of mom guilt head-on.
How will you start combatting mom guilt?
