Introduction
Your toddler is doing something dangerous like climbing up a bookshelf and you tell him no. He makes eye contact and pauses right before continuing to climb.
Sound familiar?
If this has happened to you, you most likely felt completely lost and dumbfounded… And maybe even frustrated.
“Am I seriously this bad at correcting my toddler’s behavior?” you ask yourself.
“Can my little one even hear me??”
If you find yourself wondering why you can’t seem to correct your toddler’s behavior, you are not alone. Because of the developmental pattern in toddlers’ brains, toddlers are more difficult to correct and guide than many parents realize.
Toddlers can’t fully grasp “no” as an instruction because it is juuuuust too abstract for them when it comes to directions. If you’re interested in learning more about what I mean when I say that “no” is too abstract for littles to understand, check out this article on the topic.
But don’t worry, I have an amazing hack for dealing with this issue. As a therapist-turned-stay-at-home mom, I have some unique insight to share.
And since I am a mom myself, I get how to apply my therapist knowledge with tricky little ones…. All while sleep-deprived.
Keep reading to learn this therapist’s favorite hack for correcting behavior in toddlers.
My Journey of Discovering this amazing mom-hack:
I can’t remember exactly when my little one picked up this habit, but I think he must’ve been around 7 months old. Every time he would finish a sip of water from his sippy cup, he’d make the cutest little “ahhh” sound (which I loooooove) followed by a less cute tossing of his sippy cup onto the floor (which I don’t love).
He did this whether we were at home, at friend’s or family’s homes, and even in restaurants. In fact, when we were eating at a breakfast spot, he threw his sippy cup and almost tripped a server carrying a huge tray of items.
After that, I immediately purchased some silicone bungee bands to help. But that was just a bandaid solution to his habit and didn’t resolve the actual behavior that needed correcting.
The Hack: Find the Yes
Then I cracked the code. The hack was born: I started focusing on the specific “yes” instead of the “no”.
It is so much more effective to guide a toddler toward the behavior you want to see than away from the behavior that you don’t want to see.
The next time he tossed his sippy cup, I said, “Uh-oh, the sippy cup goes on the table,” while picking up his cup and setting it on his high chair tray.
Like magic, he made eye contact with me, picked up the sippy cup and set it on his tray mimicking me.
Sure, he tossed it again later during the same meal. I simply kept calm and repeated, “Uh-oh. Cup stays on,” while modeling how to place his sippy cup on the table.
I slowly saw him start to pick up and place his sippy cup on the table. Half the time it was on its side and usually on top of his food. But it was in the right place and not being tossed!
After SIX MONTHS of sippy cup tossing, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I found a concrete and simple “yes” that he could understand and follow.
But this was just the beginning. He was almost 13 months old when I finally discovered my favorite hack for correcting behavior. And if you’ve ever met a 13-month-old, you probably know that they come riddled with tons of behavior that could use tweaking.
The possibilities are endless: More Examples
The formula for “finding your yes” is simple. Think of the behavior that you want to adjust or correct in your little one. Maybe you have a biter on your hands.
You want them to stop biting but “no”, “stop”, and “we don’t bite” aren’t helpful. So let’s brainstorm some specific things that your little one can do instead.
Maybe kiss instead of bite? That might sound like, “Uh-oh, you bit mommy. We kiss mommy like this,” and mimic kissing your arm to show her how it’s done.
But maybe she’s not developmentally accomplished giving kisses yet. No problem! Another direction could be reminding her of what she *can* bite.
“Uh-oh, you bit mommy. We bite our giraffe teether. Yes, bite giraffe.”
If you want a quick list of more ways to use this hack practically, here are some additional examples:
“No, don’t throw food,” becomes, “Food stays on the plate.”
“No, don’t stand in the tub,” becomes, “We sit in the bathtub. Yes, sit.”
“No, don’t climb in the pantry,” becomes, “We ask mommy for snacks.”
“No throwing blocks,” becomes, “This is how we stack blocks.”
“No eating dog food,” becomes, “Dog food stays in the bowl.”
Why This Works
As I mentioned earlier, directions that include “don’t”, “stop”, or “no” can be too vague and confusing for little ones to follow.
I like to call these “negative” instructions.
With negative instructions, the tone of voice is also usually negative.
So, the two problems with giving your little one negative instructions are that they are too vague/abstract and that the tone is negative.
“Finding the Yes”, or positive instructions solve those two problems.
Positive instructions give concrete and specific instructions, such as “close the door.” It provides your toddler with a specific action instead.
The tone of positive instructions is also more uplifting. Positive instructions encourage action for your little.
By keeping the positive instruction age-appropriate and in line with the actions that your toddler already knows how to perform, you can build their confidence by telling them to engage in these activities.
Additional Tips:
Now, is this mom hack foolproof? Of course not. I have yet to find a single thing about parenting that is perfect or foolproof (if you have, please share your secrets).
But if you’re willing to approach this realistically, it is truly so effective. Some helpful tips that can keep this mom hack working for you:
One
Remember that toddlers forget. They won’t remember every time they have a sippy cup that it stays on the table. Gently remind them when the sippy cup is offered. You can slowly decrease reminders to only when the tossing behavior comes back.
Two
Keep it simple. It’s easy to start giving toddlers in-depth explanations as to why you want them to keep that sippy cup on the table. Sure, the cup could spill or leak, it’s a hassle to have to pick up, it could trip someone, etc.
But all that extra language distracts from the bottom line. “Cup stays on,” will be easier for your little one to understand and follow than, “We keep our cup on the table because that’s good manners and we don’t want to spill.”
Three
Keep your directions in line with what your little one is developmentally capable of. Be mindful of whether they have the dexterity to follow your instructions as well as the language comprehension to understand what you are asking.
Four
Try not to be a perfectionist about how they fulfill your instructions. Take my sippy cup example.
It would have been frustrating for both of us if I further corrected my toddler to place his sippy cup upright and not on top of food. It would have diminished his confidence instead of building it up.
And he likely would have stopped trying to follow my instructions. Instead, I had to recognize that the win was the cup being on the table at all.
There will be plenty of time for us to navigate setting cups upright and not smushing our food.
Conclusion
Now you have a therapist’s favorite hack for correcting behavior in toddlers.
What are some behaviors that you hope to adjust in your toddler? How can this hack be used to address them?
